


Lonely

by buckdiaz



Series: Bad Things Happen [1]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Bad Things Happen Bingo, Gen, Hurt, Post-Lawsuit (9-1-1 TV), Songfic, leave me alone, no comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-09
Updated: 2021-02-09
Packaged: 2021-03-15 10:40:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 714
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29312736
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/buckdiaz/pseuds/buckdiaz
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley & Firehouse 118 Crew
Series: Bad Things Happen [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2153061
Comments: 6
Kudos: 59





	Lonely

_Everybody knows my name now  
But somethin' 'bout it still feels strange  
Like lookin' in a mirror, tryna steady yourself  
And seein' somebody else_

Buck had been so excited to finally go back to work. To finally be with his family again. His 118. That excitement had quickly faded as he had worked into the station and no one had turned to even look at him, let alone greet him. Welcome him back.

Nothing.

He had been stupid and had expected a welcome back party. Cake, a banner. God, what would his banner even say now?

Death: 0. Buck: 1,000,000? That’s what it felt like it would’ve said anyway.

And his captain….

His captain could barely stand to look at him. Being cold, distant, and nothing like the person he had considered to be a father figure in his life.

Now he was acting more like his real father, and it stung.

And everyone was following his lead.

Clenching his jaw tightly, Buck headed for the locker room to change. It could only get better.

_And everything is not the same now  
It feels like all our lives have changed  
Maybe when I'm older, it'll all calm down  
But it's killin' me now_

He’d never hated silence as much as he did now. All the trucks and ambulances had been called out. There was no one here. Except him.

Bobby was still benching him, keeping him away from calls.

He hadn’t done this many chores and tasks even as a rookie. But Bobby would find something for him to do. And then do it again cause it wasn’t good enough the first time. It was never good enough.

He wasn’t good enough.

_What if you had it all  
But nobody to call?  
Maybe then you'd know me  
'Cause I've had everything  
But no one's listening  
And that's just fucking lonely  
I'm so lonely  
Lonely_

He missed everyone.

They were all in the same room but yet they weren’t. He had never felt more alone as he listened to them talking, laughing, joking about some idiot on one of the calls.  
He had tried to talk to Eddie on multiple occasions but he kept getting brushed off.

Ignored, silenced.

Nothing had prepared him for how much it would hear to hear Eddie say “leave me alone,” while looking at him with anger in his eyes. Watching as Eddie walked away, Buck took a deep breath and held it till it hurt.

_Everybody knows my past now  
Like my house was always made of glass  
And maybe that's the price you pay  
For the money and fame at an early age  
And everybody saw me sick  
And it felt like no one gave a shit  
They criticized the things I did as an idiot kid_

It hurt so much. More than a firetruck on his leg, crushing it slowly. More than struggling in the water, swallowing the saltwater as he tried to get to the surface, trying to stop himself from drowning. 

He was so tired of the pain. The pain of being alone all the god damn time. 

The pain of losing his family was the worst yet. Especially when they were right there and there was nothing he could do. 

Reduced to an outsider just like that. 

He didn’t know if he could recover from this.

_What if you had it all  
But nobody to call?  
Maybe then you'd know me  
'Cause I've had everything  
But no one's listening_

Closing his locker, Buck took a deep breath as he grasped the strap on his bag tightly.

Hen, Chim, Bobby, and Eddie were all walking together, heading for the parking lot.

Nothing about the lawsuit, the suffering, and the pain had been worth it.

It had changed everything. He was back but he wasn’t at the same time.

It hadn’t been worth it.

Getting into his car, Buck pulled out of the parking lot and started making his way back home. He had another lonely day and night ahead of him.  
Hastily wiping away the tear that was running down his cheek, Buck shook his head and tightened his hold on the steering wheel.

It could only get better.

Right?

_And that's just fucking lonely  
I'm so lonely  
Lonely  
I'm so lonely  
Lonely_


End file.
